All Talk, No Rock, No FriendsI think the RPG scene is plagued with two tendencies that feed from each other, blocking gamers’ ability to get regular games off the ground, but these disguise a bigger social problem. Gamers describe games in terms of problems, not opportunities. After all, there’s more to talk about when something bugs you. This isn’t the issue by itself though. It’s normal to let off a bit of steam. The proposed solutions end up being the real time wasters. Gamers love to describe things they have no intention of playing. How many people do you think really play RPGNet’s gazillion game/setting hacks? The other issue? Games. Lots of games. RPG fans own many more games than they’ll ever play. They read them, imagine games they’ll play . . . then get back to D&D. Maybe they play these games at conventions or over Skype, (with months and months of lead time per session) then spend their downtime asserting that extended play sucks. (I’ve been critical of the “Old School” movement before, but I do think it’s great that they’re playing regularly without a set of online or event-based crutches. ) As a result we have a community spinning its wheels, writing epic preps and hacks for games, yet doing next to no gaming. This is why actual play is so atrophied that it needs to be isolated as a category to survive (before the rise of “Actual Play” gamers actually played — it was not an exceptional activity). And in that category, online APs feature lies, creative editing and bloated preparation. Play’s on life support, but reasons to not play have a cancer’s durability. Games don’t realistically deal with what hidden elves or shotguns would really be like. Games are “incoherent” or “illusionist.” Gamers are sons of bitches who aren’t worth hanging out with. Besides, you don’t have time. What you have to understand, however is that these are coping mechanisms: ego defenses in the face of a larger social malaise: the decline of friendship. Think about it. The issues I brought up here boil down to a mix of self-centeredness and contempt for others: signs of a culture whose basic platonic relationships are ailing. This problem infects the whole social discourse of RPGs and even shapes their commercial development. American friendships have been degenerating since 1985. When you think about the difference between gaming then (long term social contact, negotiation over loose rules) and now (brief or online contact, rigid rules that make cover even informal speech and story interpretation) you can see how they’ve adapted to serve people who don’t know each other well, don’t trust each other as much and have lost the will or skill to get close to other human beings. They say 25% of Americans have no close friends at all. Think of the scene’s tendency to accept people with socialization problems, our aging, more family-focused base and that means gamers might rate at what — 30%? 50%? More? This isn’t just our problem, but we might have it worse than most. The community has certainly flocked to excuses not to make friends or pretend that the superficial online relationships they have are just as good. This is why gamers love the Five Geek Social Fallacies essay — it exaggerates normal problems with friendships into full-blown pathologies, justifying why they don’t bother with close personal connections at all. Am I applying my own values against a transforming society? Yes, and that’s a fair basis for criticism. I have to admit I’m not comfortable with the expected, widely cast net of shallow contacts that others thrive on. At conventions I prefer to spend an extended period of time getting to know a few people. I don’t take pictures to document my handshakes. If a meeting is important, my memory is enough. But I’ll go out on a limb and say I honestly try to make up for it with intensity and sincerity. So if you meet me, have a seat and take some time to talk. Making contact is okay. Making friends is better. 13 comments to All Talk, No Rock, No Friends |
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I say this in a friendly, “laughing with you not at you” kind of way, and I’m sorry it won’t come through like that over text: You’re crazy.
People play all the time. I know at least a dozen gamers at my school who game regularly and have no idea gaming blogs even exist. People who write gaming blogs also game, and plenty of them don’t talk about it in their blogs because at least one survey had shown people find it boring. I think many of us instinctively knew this before the survey was out.
Maybe you’re getting your idea from people you know in real life, in which case I apologize for misunderstanding you. But if blog posts is why you think no one’s gaming, you’re crazy.
The Geek Social Fallacies essay is interesting. I hadn’t seen it before; thanks for linking it. GSF1 makes things make a lot more sense to me. I see a lot of people complaining about problem gamers, and my response has always been, “So why do you game with them?” Now I get it.
At the same time, I have a lot of friends, some of them close, and all the geeks I know do as well. So I’m still not sure where you’re coming from.
But if you’re ever in the area, feel free to drop by. We have swords, videogames, and a kitten.
People play all the time. I know at least a dozen gamers at my school who game regularly and have no idea gaming blogs even exist.
Any broad examination is going to catch outliers. In any event, I do think there’s a bigger chunk of gamers who don’t game much/at all (as opposed to people who’ve turned their back on gaming completely) now than there has been before.
People who write gaming blogs also game, and plenty of them don’t talk about it in their blogs because at least one survey had shown people find it boring. I think many of us instinctively knew this before the survey was out.
I’m not just talking about gaming blogs. In multiple online mediam descriptions of playing (or not playing) when they do appear are telling. I see people plan stuff weeks, months in advance and commit to describing sessions — but the sessions never materialize. Plus, RPG bloggers do blog about play a whole lot. I think I may be exceptional in *not* talking about my house games much.
The Geek Social Fallacies essay is interesting. I hadn’t seen it before; thanks for linking it. GSF1 makes things make a lot more sense to me. I see a lot of people complaining about problem gamers, and my response has always been, “So why do you game with them?” Now I get it.
It’s not without insight, but it’s not evidence-backed psychology, either, and its presence as a meme is not largely destructive.
“I see people plan stuff weeks, months in advance and commit to describing sessions — but the sessions never materialize.”
Well, for me, the obviously conclusion would be that the play happened but they never wrote them up in posts. I know that sometimes I have the intention of writing up play in posts or on websites or what have you, and sometimes I get really into it and do it but if my time gets short, it’s not the play that suffers, but my desire to post about it online.
Ask yourself: Which explanation fits better with regular complaints about how difficult it is to get a game together, keep a game going, or about how much you can’t game because other games suck?
For the specific scenario you describe: work has been done, a game has been committed to, but “actual play” posts never materialize, or more likely, one or two are posted and then nothing, I think it’s much more likely that the play is happening and not being posted about.
The only problem I have is the term “superficial online relationships”, it seems to stress online.
I know its passe now, but before superficial online relationships, Social Networking Sites were actual get togethors and parties were people shared business cards and had “superficial offline relationships”.
Online/Offline is not an indicator of friendship on its own. The whole “online/offline” distiction is false in an of itself. There is a real person on the end of any conversation be it telephone, letter, vocal or text message.
“Online” is often described as different than “real life” but thats fairly false. When I work “online” Im just working.
I’ve started some fantastic, deep friendships online, but the medium matters. Fishbowl public lifestreaming is not something I think promotes an involved meeting of the minds.
A lot of online discourse is sincere, but a lot more of it isn’t. There are deep rooted reasons for this that can’t be waved away as semantics. We are tuned to understand people through a series of cues that are not all transmitted through common online media.
A dark vision, but I think you may have a point.
I think you’ve elucidated something I’ve noticed more and more in the discussions on RPG.net without recognizing it for what it is. The “if you’re not having fun with the game, quit the group” mindset ignores the possibility that the person in question is friends with the people with whom they roleplay.
I broadly agree, except where you assert that game rules have shifted to match. Every “classic” game I read seems to drip with socially-backwards hazing rituals and dominance games (to say nothing of endless bean-counting, and lets not forget racism and misogyny). I think it’s fine that you’re applying your values (I also don’t like cultivating a large number of shallow relationships), but you may also be applying your perception of a real problem (or two) of design more broadly than it actually obtends.
But as far as general social trends, yikes. That linked study was terrifying. I admit that I must have mis-extrapolated from personal experience: I have more friends now than I did 15 years ago, and more of them play games, and everyone I’m friends with also plays games (not because they are “gamers,” but because they are nice humans, and nice humans play games with one another when given the right opportunity). But it seems I am a outlier. Which is strange, because I’m sure I’m not doing anything especially right.
I think the homosexual terror discussed by the wikipedia article is a real barrier between men, but I’m not sure if it explains the recent downtick in friendship, especially if the survey recorded equal alienation among women. The first explanation that occurred to me was people becoming less and less tethered geographically; you invest in friendships, but everyone separates after high-school, after college, after they change jobs, etc…but again, this is probably just color from my own recent experience.
How can we best look for a solution, above and beyond, the excellent personal steps you suggest? Can’t the internet be a tool for communication and connection? I certainly couldn’t have met the friends with whom I currently play without it, or coordinate our schedules, or discover the various thoughts that challenge and (occasionally
improve our play.
PS:I had never thought of the Geek Social Fallacies as being used as the justification for burning bridges! That’s terrible! Was that what they were for, originally? I admit I took them in the exact opposite spirit: the worst sin is to not talk to your friends about the normal problems that you encounter, and the second worse is cultivating a small number of shallow relationships.
I broadly agree, except where you assert that game rules have shifted to match. Every “classic” game I read seems to drip with socially-backwards hazing rituals and dominance games (to say nothing of endless bean-counting, and lets not forget racism and misogyny). I think it’s fine that you’re applying your values (I also don’t like cultivating a large number of shallow relationships), but you may also be applying your perception of a real problem (or two) of design more broadly than it actually obtends.
Maybe. I think there’s a great lack of empathy in the scene right now, and many designs seem to assume no responsibility to be empathetic.
I think “hazing” is real in RPG culture, but not necessarily in texts, which were designed by scenes who’d finished the actual hazing. You’re absolutely right that friendship doesn’t eliminate pervasive social problems — but you will *never* solve those problems without it. Why should somebody care about sexism in RPGs (for example) when they don’t really give a shit about the ppeople they play with at all except as instruments for self-gratification?
I disagree with you. Straight out, my experiences directly contradict your theories. I got my gaming group back together – over Maptools and Skype, admittedly, but hey, we live continents apart now.
I take the time to organize, prep and run a game, and I do it despite the fact that I have a new baby and a number of close friends, who take up a portion of my time. I do it because the gaming group is made up of my close friends, friends that I cultivated over years of mostly gaming.
If there is a decline in friendship, it’s because we choose it – by being too lazy or self-absorbed to do the work that ongoing friendships require. But gaming has always, in my experience, been a place where friends are made and kept, far more so than almost any other activity, barring competitive sports.
As I said above, talking about social trends means painting with a broad brush. But I strongly feel it’s not just about keeping the friends you made during formative periods, but making new friends. Social erosion happens for reasons that are nobody’s fault, but keeping up a certain level of socialization by meeting new people seems to be part of the problem.